Its not the flashbacks anymore that gets me.
Hell, not even the pain that drives me to the brink of extinction.
Its the helplessness.
The knowlege that the first time in your entire life you were vulnerable,
was all it took for him to slip beneath the surface.
In you.
Around you.
Pouring his malice and trickery into the depths of your pours,
past your defense,
and into the very core being of your soul.
The very thought of him sends warnings of danger down my spine.
Ignorance of those around me penetrates my chest,
brewing a deep seeded anxiety that consumes me whole.
I AM THE VERY BEING YOUR SOUL FEARS.
I AM THE VICTIM OF YOUR NIGHTMARES.
I. AM.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Cement-filled Lungs
It's sad how much my heart can bleed for you but you're too blind to notice.
Though the pain has lessened it never goes away.
To think of what we lost is like dying,
But to try and take back the past will kill me.
We've both moved on, but it hurts to think of what should have never happened, what should have taken place.
Being close to you makes my lungs harden, makimg it difficult to breathe,
but if this is what I have to endure to move past you, I will endure.
Finding someone who deserves my love brings back more memories of you,
though this time I wont make the same mistakes.
I'll learn what it is to truly love, and not just lust,
I'll stop hiding my pain, and face the music.
Though the pain has lessened it never goes away.
To think of what we lost is like dying,
But to try and take back the past will kill me.
We've both moved on, but it hurts to think of what should have never happened, what should have taken place.
Being close to you makes my lungs harden, makimg it difficult to breathe,
but if this is what I have to endure to move past you, I will endure.
Finding someone who deserves my love brings back more memories of you,
though this time I wont make the same mistakes.
I'll learn what it is to truly love, and not just lust,
I'll stop hiding my pain, and face the music.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Love Since Past
My dearest love,
Do you remember our first meeting? How my sarcasm battled your scrutiny? Or how my heartbeat intensified at the feeling of your warm, worn palm against my cool, sweaty one? Oh dearest, if only time travel were possible and I could take back the knowledge of what I know now, then. Do you hold that memory, that heartbreakingly beautiful moment of fiery stubbornness and sarcastic smiles as close to your heart as I do? Do you remember my twisted smile as you puked out all your “nerd knowledge” to my on a silver platter? Do you remember our goodbye? The feeling of your wizened palm tenderly tapping my forehead, whispering, “One day, you’ll understand.”? Do you know how stupid I felt? Not knowing what the hell you were talking about? If only I could read minds, because then I would’ve said “yes.”.
“Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person and the subtle way they do these things and it hurts so much? So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.” For days I’d stay up, talking to you; contact was necessary, and so wrong. Then I wished to be with you, and only you, not caring who I destroyed in the process. Oh darling, why didn’t you give me more time? Time to be with you, time to mourn you, time to love you; if you were so “in-love” with me, why didn’t you take me, claim me, make me yours? Do you remember our time with Joey? The goose bumps that decorated my sweat-layered skin? The hearty laugh that sprinted full force out from between your teeth, past your tongue and resounding off the grey gravestones? Do you remember how many packs we smoked in that two hour period? Or how many tears I shed? How about our first and last kiss, do you remember that? The way you held me so protectively in your arms? The way you ever-so-lovingly grabbed me by my shoulders and whispered “Don’t overexcite yourself.”? Do you recall the taste of my tongue gingerly touching yours? I do, and for almost a year now, this memory has eaten away at my stomach, and my heart.
Darling, do you hold the same hate form me that I hold for myself? The terrible things I did to get back at you for breaking my spirit in thirds? Will you ever forgive me? Dearest, you were the full moon to my night sky, lighting my path, gently guiding me so what we both assumed was safety. I’m sorry I asked you to wait like I did. I’m sorry for betraying your trust. I’m sorry I didn’t leave him fast enough, I’m sorry I didn’t make room. I’m sorry for my lie, my deceit, my shame. And most of all, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when I should have been.
Oh my love, do you remember the scent of cherry blossoms? Or the crisp, cool air that marked the beginning of spring? If we could go back in time, would you still hold me as carefully as you did then? Would you help me carry my scars? Would you let me carry yours? Each day that passes could be your last, would you let me help you carry that burden if things were different? If things were different…funny that. If things were different I’d be in your arms, stroking away the pain. Smoothing back your ruffled feathers, helping you learn to fly again. If things were different, then we wouldn’t have to carry this burden separately.
“It breaks my heart, to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I’ll never have.” What I’ll never have…you once told me that, you know. In your own words, love, “I’m in love with something I can never have.”. If only, darling, you had taken me as your own, so that separately we wouldn’t have to carry black lungs, and broken hearts. As I close, dearest, please remember my voice, telling you that I am always here, waiting. Remember my touch, my love, and how I always want to ease your pain, even if the blackened lungs and ulcer ridden stomach I carry try to prevent me from doing so, please remember, darling, that I will always carry my love for you.
Do you remember our first meeting? How my sarcasm battled your scrutiny? Or how my heartbeat intensified at the feeling of your warm, worn palm against my cool, sweaty one? Oh dearest, if only time travel were possible and I could take back the knowledge of what I know now, then. Do you hold that memory, that heartbreakingly beautiful moment of fiery stubbornness and sarcastic smiles as close to your heart as I do? Do you remember my twisted smile as you puked out all your “nerd knowledge” to my on a silver platter? Do you remember our goodbye? The feeling of your wizened palm tenderly tapping my forehead, whispering, “One day, you’ll understand.”? Do you know how stupid I felt? Not knowing what the hell you were talking about? If only I could read minds, because then I would’ve said “yes.”.
“Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person and the subtle way they do these things and it hurts so much? So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.” For days I’d stay up, talking to you; contact was necessary, and so wrong. Then I wished to be with you, and only you, not caring who I destroyed in the process. Oh darling, why didn’t you give me more time? Time to be with you, time to mourn you, time to love you; if you were so “in-love” with me, why didn’t you take me, claim me, make me yours? Do you remember our time with Joey? The goose bumps that decorated my sweat-layered skin? The hearty laugh that sprinted full force out from between your teeth, past your tongue and resounding off the grey gravestones? Do you remember how many packs we smoked in that two hour period? Or how many tears I shed? How about our first and last kiss, do you remember that? The way you held me so protectively in your arms? The way you ever-so-lovingly grabbed me by my shoulders and whispered “Don’t overexcite yourself.”? Do you recall the taste of my tongue gingerly touching yours? I do, and for almost a year now, this memory has eaten away at my stomach, and my heart.
Darling, do you hold the same hate form me that I hold for myself? The terrible things I did to get back at you for breaking my spirit in thirds? Will you ever forgive me? Dearest, you were the full moon to my night sky, lighting my path, gently guiding me so what we both assumed was safety. I’m sorry I asked you to wait like I did. I’m sorry for betraying your trust. I’m sorry I didn’t leave him fast enough, I’m sorry I didn’t make room. I’m sorry for my lie, my deceit, my shame. And most of all, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when I should have been.
Oh my love, do you remember the scent of cherry blossoms? Or the crisp, cool air that marked the beginning of spring? If we could go back in time, would you still hold me as carefully as you did then? Would you help me carry my scars? Would you let me carry yours? Each day that passes could be your last, would you let me help you carry that burden if things were different? If things were different…funny that. If things were different I’d be in your arms, stroking away the pain. Smoothing back your ruffled feathers, helping you learn to fly again. If things were different, then we wouldn’t have to carry this burden separately.
“It breaks my heart, to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I’ll never have.” What I’ll never have…you once told me that, you know. In your own words, love, “I’m in love with something I can never have.”. If only, darling, you had taken me as your own, so that separately we wouldn’t have to carry black lungs, and broken hearts. As I close, dearest, please remember my voice, telling you that I am always here, waiting. Remember my touch, my love, and how I always want to ease your pain, even if the blackened lungs and ulcer ridden stomach I carry try to prevent me from doing so, please remember, darling, that I will always carry my love for you.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
An almost-mother's lament
When brought to my attention,
I realize my sins had come back to bite me square in the ass.
Now, after reflecting upon my sins, do I see the complete consequences of my actions.
Ninty days have given me such clairity.
And such pain.
To have upon your conscious the ending of something that had barely even begun, really does a number to a person's strength and sobriety.
After all the time, it still reduces me to a sniveling mess .
Such sins hold power of our humanity ,
over MY humanity,
but instead of picking the poison of my greatest sin, I will learn to live without.
I will learn to live with my mistakes, instead of drowning in them.
Since I have learned to be strong, I can slowly accept my feelings.
The despair of losing you quickly followed by the loss of our most beautiful creation.
Two years have passed and my sorrow is still great.
So many "what if's" pass through my mind, but slowly, I will regain my footing.
Words fueled by hate have separated us,
but I will never forget what we almost had.
I realize my sins had come back to bite me square in the ass.
Now, after reflecting upon my sins, do I see the complete consequences of my actions.
Ninty days have given me such clairity.
And such pain.
To have upon your conscious the ending of something that had barely even begun, really does a number to a person's strength and sobriety.
After all the time, it still reduces me to a sniveling mess .
Such sins hold power of our humanity ,
over MY humanity,
but instead of picking the poison of my greatest sin, I will learn to live without.
I will learn to live with my mistakes, instead of drowning in them.
Since I have learned to be strong, I can slowly accept my feelings.
The despair of losing you quickly followed by the loss of our most beautiful creation.
Two years have passed and my sorrow is still great.
So many "what if's" pass through my mind, but slowly, I will regain my footing.
Words fueled by hate have separated us,
but I will never forget what we almost had.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
At the end of all things.
Today, I missed you a bit.
As I reflect upon MY humanity-
I realized that I am just that...human.
When I was younger, I was convinced we were something divine,
God- Like.
But now, upon inspection , I realize I am simply mortal,
Divinity does not brush my skin with it's loving caress of immortality.
We pretended we were gods, two spirits bound together by the love of eternity.
When in all actuality, we were two beings bound together for the love of a child.
Our child.
If I could just get you to listen, to see..
My heart began growing in my stomach, only to be lost..
If only you could understand that you became my heart,
walking outside of my body, in our unborn baby's stead.
They say a mothers love knows no bounds,
But what of the mothers that lose their little ones to their own bodies?
If you could just feel as I do,
for one moment.
To breathe in the feelings, the emotions, that I do,
would you understand?
We are not immortal.
We are living, breathing, volatile human beings who are in need of love
And I still love you, even after all this.
As I reflect upon MY humanity-
I realized that I am just that...human.
When I was younger, I was convinced we were something divine,
God- Like.
But now, upon inspection , I realize I am simply mortal,
Divinity does not brush my skin with it's loving caress of immortality.
We pretended we were gods, two spirits bound together by the love of eternity.
When in all actuality, we were two beings bound together for the love of a child.
Our child.
If I could just get you to listen, to see..
My heart began growing in my stomach, only to be lost..
If only you could understand that you became my heart,
walking outside of my body, in our unborn baby's stead.
They say a mothers love knows no bounds,
But what of the mothers that lose their little ones to their own bodies?
If you could just feel as I do,
for one moment.
To breathe in the feelings, the emotions, that I do,
would you understand?
We are not immortal.
We are living, breathing, volatile human beings who are in need of love
And I still love you, even after all this.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Glass House
This is all that's left of me,
so take away the pieces till I have none left for myself.
Today is the day of new skies,
so come closer to me and help me capture the clouds with my bare hands,
for my skin has become so transparent that even
the sun reflects my sorrows.....
Allow this piercing pain to hide beneath my pride,
so that it does not reflect into my eyes, keep my monster at bay with your fantasies,
so I do not wear out my cover so quickly,
hold my heart closer to your eyes,
and please look past the
pain in which I have endured so that I may enjoy your company once more....
Wipe away the past that clouds your filmy eyes,
Lull me to sleep by your sweet lullabies,
Keep the silver from my wrists so I do not cry red,
Place your heart between me and the blade,
Which will surely slice away my sanity,
Which will surelyslit away this throat.....
Today is the day that I will bend my pride and hold back my tongue,
I will kiss the floor beneath my toes, and lock away my lust,
Bend my arm behind my back to hold away my sarcastic defense.
If only you could see you as I do, if only you
could see the world through my eyes,
maybe then you'd understand the memories that I wish that didn't leave traces.....
Like a glass doll in a glass house,
and I'm not the one throwing rocks,
worlds around me fall,
and don't let me feel the joy on falling down just to spite me.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect,
I'm sorry I'm not God,
I'm sorry I can't give you the love you deserve,
maybe next time I should just pull the trigger for you rather
than trying to take away the gun.....
It's time to take a break and breathe,
but when the time comes
I can't get you off my heart.
so take away the pieces till I have none left for myself.
Today is the day of new skies,
so come closer to me and help me capture the clouds with my bare hands,
for my skin has become so transparent that even
the sun reflects my sorrows.....
Allow this piercing pain to hide beneath my pride,
so that it does not reflect into my eyes, keep my monster at bay with your fantasies,
so I do not wear out my cover so quickly,
hold my heart closer to your eyes,
and please look past the
pain in which I have endured so that I may enjoy your company once more....
Wipe away the past that clouds your filmy eyes,
Lull me to sleep by your sweet lullabies,
Keep the silver from my wrists so I do not cry red,
Place your heart between me and the blade,
Which will surely slice away my sanity,
Which will surelyslit away this throat.....
Today is the day that I will bend my pride and hold back my tongue,
I will kiss the floor beneath my toes, and lock away my lust,
Bend my arm behind my back to hold away my sarcastic defense.
If only you could see you as I do, if only you
could see the world through my eyes,
maybe then you'd understand the memories that I wish that didn't leave traces.....
Like a glass doll in a glass house,
and I'm not the one throwing rocks,
worlds around me fall,
and don't let me feel the joy on falling down just to spite me.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect,
I'm sorry I'm not God,
I'm sorry I can't give you the love you deserve,
maybe next time I should just pull the trigger for you rather
than trying to take away the gun.....
It's time to take a break and breathe,
but when the time comes
I can't get you off my heart.
Eclipsed by a Butterfly
Oh little butterfly,
what beautiful patterns you carry.
Oh little butterfly,
how entrancing is your dance.
I am eclipsed by you.
Stick a pin through my little bodice,
For I have not deserved it, master.
I will save the last beat of my wings just for you.
My little butterfly,
show me the true meaning of beauty.
For my facade is barely enough to keep this ugly face hidden.
I can not help you, my master,
for my beauty is only skin deep.
The patterns of my wings hide me from my enemies,
but attract others like you.
Goddess of the wing,
I wish for your freedom.
For I am only as good as the next rotting corpse.
Let me gaze upon your beauty once more.
what beautiful patterns you carry.
Oh little butterfly,
how entrancing is your dance.
I am eclipsed by you.
Stick a pin through my little bodice,
For I have not deserved it, master.
I will save the last beat of my wings just for you.
My little butterfly,
show me the true meaning of beauty.
For my facade is barely enough to keep this ugly face hidden.
I can not help you, my master,
for my beauty is only skin deep.
The patterns of my wings hide me from my enemies,
but attract others like you.
Goddess of the wing,
I wish for your freedom.
For I am only as good as the next rotting corpse.
Let me gaze upon your beauty once more.
Being In-Love With Something I can Never Have
Even those with the weakest of stomachs can come together as one and be the strongest of men,
While the violence which the eyes do not perceive blankets the truth in which blind eyes hold none accountable for the trees that glimmered with green promises of hope are now reduced to ash in the name of a new world.
And the hole that resides in my chest grows deeper and wider than ever before.
Tomorrow will shower me with memories of the first time my eyes met yours,
The first time I took in your smile,
Your laughter.
And the tears that I now cry are the raindrops which feed the earth's rivers and streams and oceans.
The chasm in my chest will over throw all emotion and show me what I've now done,
I don't think I'll be able to look at Pokémon the same way for quite some time, now.
How will I be able to replace the smell of Camel Crushes on your breath when I crave you so desperately?
I think Star Wars will be on that list of things I can't look at, as well.
Now as I pathetically write my heart out to the world about my pained desires for you,
How will I replace your scratchy beard and silver glinted eyes?
Even now, I don't think I could save your lost soul.
If I kissed you, would you remember?
If I loved you, would you forget?
Forget of how selfishly I treated you,
And how hastily I threw you away?
Though in the end, that was you who drove me into such a
Rage that I didn't think seeing red was possible anymore when all I could see was
Black as my charcoal eye lined eyes.
Will you still remember the once-in-a-lifetime electrifying kiss,
That made my heart beat so intensely with love,
The way that I remember it?
The breathy moan that escaped my lips as you silently whispered into my ear and heart
"Behave, don't over excite yourself",
And the small sigh that I expelled as I escaped into the base of your neck?
Will I forever be forced to carry a memory,
that for days made me shudder in pleasure,
at just the thought of you brushing your tongue so gently against my lips, and slowly,
reluctantly,
retreated back between your own?
But now, as this heartbroken cry comes to a close,
I'm guessing this is goodbye.
And in your closing words, darling,
"I don't want love, I want pain and despair."
If only you knew that I too carry your burden.
While the violence which the eyes do not perceive blankets the truth in which blind eyes hold none accountable for the trees that glimmered with green promises of hope are now reduced to ash in the name of a new world.
And the hole that resides in my chest grows deeper and wider than ever before.
Tomorrow will shower me with memories of the first time my eyes met yours,
The first time I took in your smile,
Your laughter.
And the tears that I now cry are the raindrops which feed the earth's rivers and streams and oceans.
The chasm in my chest will over throw all emotion and show me what I've now done,
I don't think I'll be able to look at Pokémon the same way for quite some time, now.
How will I be able to replace the smell of Camel Crushes on your breath when I crave you so desperately?
I think Star Wars will be on that list of things I can't look at, as well.
Now as I pathetically write my heart out to the world about my pained desires for you,
How will I replace your scratchy beard and silver glinted eyes?
Even now, I don't think I could save your lost soul.
If I kissed you, would you remember?
If I loved you, would you forget?
Forget of how selfishly I treated you,
And how hastily I threw you away?
Though in the end, that was you who drove me into such a
Rage that I didn't think seeing red was possible anymore when all I could see was
Black as my charcoal eye lined eyes.
Will you still remember the once-in-a-lifetime electrifying kiss,
That made my heart beat so intensely with love,
The way that I remember it?
The breathy moan that escaped my lips as you silently whispered into my ear and heart
"Behave, don't over excite yourself",
And the small sigh that I expelled as I escaped into the base of your neck?
Will I forever be forced to carry a memory,
that for days made me shudder in pleasure,
at just the thought of you brushing your tongue so gently against my lips, and slowly,
reluctantly,
retreated back between your own?
But now, as this heartbroken cry comes to a close,
I'm guessing this is goodbye.
And in your closing words, darling,
"I don't want love, I want pain and despair."
If only you knew that I too carry your burden.
Cynicism
I've been pondering these words for a long while,
And it seems that everyday that passes by I can't help but feel jilted but this lifetime.
When we were young we had so much to hope for, back when the world was green and filled with possibility.
But now as I trudge on I can't help but be cynical to this whole idea of living and dreaming as the norm would see fit.
I miss the days when laughter was free and our hearts held no grudge,
As we have grown jovial comradely is rare and our once pure hearts grew black with despair.
I don't wish to live in the past but how can I live in a future of which I see no good?
It's as if the days we used to laugh and giggle away take a century to pass,
And the very glue which held us together is now the reason we are on opposite ends.
If only words could bring us back together.
And it seems that everyday that passes by I can't help but feel jilted but this lifetime.
When we were young we had so much to hope for, back when the world was green and filled with possibility.
But now as I trudge on I can't help but be cynical to this whole idea of living and dreaming as the norm would see fit.
I miss the days when laughter was free and our hearts held no grudge,
As we have grown jovial comradely is rare and our once pure hearts grew black with despair.
I don't wish to live in the past but how can I live in a future of which I see no good?
It's as if the days we used to laugh and giggle away take a century to pass,
And the very glue which held us together is now the reason we are on opposite ends.
If only words could bring us back together.
Frankenstein's Pride
There's so much I want to say,
And this time, I just don't know how to say it.
I miss you,
But I hate you.
I'm so ashamed.
But not of what I've done,
but by what's been done to me.
Pride, it's a tricky thing.
Instead of getting the help I so desperately need,
I'd rather just hide it all away.
I wish that one day you could see past these scars,
these mistakes,
this shame.
I've made my fair share of mistakes,
there is no denying that.
I've created a monster in you,
like Frankenstein created his Monster.
There's no one to witness, but you and I.
For once in my life, I wish I had put the chemistry set down,
stopped creating the perfect soldier,
and looked after the little girl within.
You once said I hurt him first,
yet,
you lied.
I know you did.
I want to stop playing this game in the worst way,
and just live our lives out,
together.
But it looks like you've made your choice,
and I, mine.
I'm sorry, comrade,
but I'm done trying to fix something that you insist isn't broken.
And this time, I just don't know how to say it.
I miss you,
But I hate you.
I'm so ashamed.
But not of what I've done,
but by what's been done to me.
Pride, it's a tricky thing.
Instead of getting the help I so desperately need,
I'd rather just hide it all away.
I wish that one day you could see past these scars,
these mistakes,
this shame.
I've made my fair share of mistakes,
there is no denying that.
I've created a monster in you,
like Frankenstein created his Monster.
There's no one to witness, but you and I.
For once in my life, I wish I had put the chemistry set down,
stopped creating the perfect soldier,
and looked after the little girl within.
You once said I hurt him first,
yet,
you lied.
I know you did.
I want to stop playing this game in the worst way,
and just live our lives out,
together.
But it looks like you've made your choice,
and I, mine.
I'm sorry, comrade,
but I'm done trying to fix something that you insist isn't broken.
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