My dearest love,
Do you remember our first meeting? How my sarcasm battled your scrutiny? Or how my heartbeat intensified at the feeling of your warm, worn palm against my cool, sweaty one? Oh dearest, if only time travel were possible and I could take back the knowledge of what I know now, then. Do you hold that memory, that heartbreakingly beautiful moment of fiery stubbornness and sarcastic smiles as close to your heart as I do? Do you remember my twisted smile as you puked out all your “nerd knowledge” to my on a silver platter? Do you remember our goodbye? The feeling of your wizened palm tenderly tapping my forehead, whispering, “One day, you’ll understand.”? Do you know how stupid I felt? Not knowing what the hell you were talking about? If only I could read minds, because then I would’ve said “yes.”.
“Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person and the subtle way they do these things and it hurts so much? So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.” For days I’d stay up, talking to you; contact was necessary, and so wrong. Then I wished to be with you, and only you, not caring who I destroyed in the process. Oh darling, why didn’t you give me more time? Time to be with you, time to mourn you, time to love you; if you were so “in-love” with me, why didn’t you take me, claim me, make me yours? Do you remember our time with Joey? The goose bumps that decorated my sweat-layered skin? The hearty laugh that sprinted full force out from between your teeth, past your tongue and resounding off the grey gravestones? Do you remember how many packs we smoked in that two hour period? Or how many tears I shed? How about our first and last kiss, do you remember that? The way you held me so protectively in your arms? The way you ever-so-lovingly grabbed me by my shoulders and whispered “Don’t overexcite yourself.”? Do you recall the taste of my tongue gingerly touching yours? I do, and for almost a year now, this memory has eaten away at my stomach, and my heart.
Darling, do you hold the same hate form me that I hold for myself? The terrible things I did to get back at you for breaking my spirit in thirds? Will you ever forgive me? Dearest, you were the full moon to my night sky, lighting my path, gently guiding me so what we both assumed was safety. I’m sorry I asked you to wait like I did. I’m sorry for betraying your trust. I’m sorry I didn’t leave him fast enough, I’m sorry I didn’t make room. I’m sorry for my lie, my deceit, my shame. And most of all, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when I should have been.
Oh my love, do you remember the scent of cherry blossoms? Or the crisp, cool air that marked the beginning of spring? If we could go back in time, would you still hold me as carefully as you did then? Would you help me carry my scars? Would you let me carry yours? Each day that passes could be your last, would you let me help you carry that burden if things were different? If things were different…funny that. If things were different I’d be in your arms, stroking away the pain. Smoothing back your ruffled feathers, helping you learn to fly again. If things were different, then we wouldn’t have to carry this burden separately.
“It breaks my heart, to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I’ll never have.” What I’ll never have…you once told me that, you know. In your own words, love, “I’m in love with something I can never have.”. If only, darling, you had taken me as your own, so that separately we wouldn’t have to carry black lungs, and broken hearts. As I close, dearest, please remember my voice, telling you that I am always here, waiting. Remember my touch, my love, and how I always want to ease your pain, even if the blackened lungs and ulcer ridden stomach I carry try to prevent me from doing so, please remember, darling, that I will always carry my love for you.
