Therapy.

Punch out, free to go,
Biting cold, out past the door,
Goodnight to the guys.

Start her up, let's scram.
Silver moon glints off the hood,
Where's that heat dammit.

My music starts up,
The bass resonates within,
Pure bliss fills my head.

Road beneath the tires,
Thumbs tap out the heavy beat,
Take the back way home.

Don't need to think here,
Just let the crescendo ride,
This must be heaven.

Let's just chase the stars,
Forget all of our anchors,
Follow the music.

Oh shit that's a deer.
Damn it got late too quickly.
I need to go home.

Pull in the driveway,
Park it, turn out the headlights.
Let the song finish.

I feel so heavy,
I don't want to be here now,
Damn it got cold out.

Requesting an Audience

Feet reflecting the ache  in my chest,
I heave my legs over the edge of my bed.
Gotta keep pushin,
Gotta keep the demons at bay.
When my feet hit the floor, Satan will say:
"Oh shit, she's up."
...right?
Doc says these meds will work,
Says that it's just a matter of time.
Time....
Something I had less of in my head.
No matter the amount of thoughts I have,
No matter how many equations I solve,
The fiends keep knocking.
Keep begging.
Keep pleading.
I know what will happen if I go there,
I risk never coming back.
In this moment, I want to die.
Again.
This happens hourly,
then vanishes.
My feet hit the floor,
and the insistent beseeching inside my skulls stops.
Another battle won.

Supplement Facts

You held out your hand, 

Molded together my heart, 

And lied to my face. 

Maybe I'm guilty, 

Maybe it was all in my head, 

Yet I still loved you. 

You played me for fool, 

Broke my heart again in pieces, 

And then played victim  

Don't get mad at me, 

You are the one who did this, 

Liar, you'll get yours. 

Stolen Serendipity

Allow me to preface this before I begin:
I. Loathe. Cold.
Nothing against the auburn hues of leaves past their time,
but I just can not stand temperatures below sixty-five.
Except for today.
There comes a point in the transition from mid autumn to late where the world becomes silent.
No frogs.
No geese.
No cicadas.
Just pure soundlessness.
The crisp fog of my breath against my skin breaks me from my revery of utter aloneness.
At this point of the soon-to-be frozen season, I can appreciate the still quiet.
It is not the silence that smothers me,
but the absense of sound.
In which case there is no distracting me from my own thoughts.
Thoughts that remind me when I walk through the door you won't be there to warm me up.
This hush gives me security,
a peace in knowing I am not the only one chilling,
and changing.
In this very moment, and only for just a heartbeat,
can I feel your hand in mine.
And I am serene.

Nana's Eulogy

You raised me from 'homemade pisgetti sauce' and 'two oreos with one minty-mint' after dinner,
Our chances at adventure time meant traveling through the back yard looking for "snakkies and mannies".
Paddling across the brown ocean of your living room carpet on my sturdy serving-tray-turned-boat with wooden spoons for paddles,
Just so we could watch Jeopardy together.
As I became older,
house calls were less frequent,
and 'I love you's, scattered.
But no matter how far I swam,
you were always to be my lifeguard,
my lighthouse.
Running away meant packing my favorite Barbie and pajamas and running as fast as my mind could carry me,
up the path, across the street and into your safe house arms.
Birthdays meant THE cake and the Tea Hive, decked out in our fashionable wear.
But as we grow older, birthdays, running away, and paddling across carpets aren't just memories tattooed on our hearts,
They're the legacy we leave for the following generations.
Nana, so much you have taught me,
and so much more I have to learn.
Thank you.





My Nana, SaraBelle Harker Junkermann was born on August 8th, 1913 and passed on January 19th, 2014. Her legacy is carried on by my mother, brother, sister-in-law and I, and will be passed down to the following generations.

Momentary Appeasement

Once upon a time, in a land no so far away,

there lived a young maiden, 

who always managed to get herself into the worst sorts of trouble. 

You see, she was no ordinary girl. 

She had developed the body of a Goddess, with hair of gold, and eyes like the sea, 

and used her appeasing looks as leverage to get what she desired. 

She ran wild, like a whirl-wind,

romping with one man to the next.

Until her antics caught up with her. 

All her games were thrown back in her face, 

and she, like her once-unsuspecting victims, had to play.

However, the rules had changed.

And her eyes were opened. 

Now did she see the turmoil she had caused,

the families she had split, the bridges she had burned. 

The Game that was once so entertaining,  

became the cage in which she was to carry out her days. 

At every turn, she was remjnded of who she had done, 

and the consequences were repaid tenfold. 

She became meek, where she was boisterous,

invisible where she was apparent, 

and kind where she was cruel. 

After a time, she learned to live, 

and not just survive. 

But when faced with the possibility of hurting yet another man, 

she fought to keep him happy in exchange for hers.

Bearing this burden, 

she thought it her punishment,

for all the chaos she had caused. 

Yet when the man she had tried to make happy realized this,

he set her free. 

With her wings returned, 

she took to the sky, 

and has yet to come down. 

Moral of the story? 

Never give up personal happiness in exchange for the happiness of another's for fear of causing them pain. They will notice and the relationship will suffer. 

The Shores of Time

Close your eyes, and what do you see?

Hear? 

Smell? 

To each their own, as is common in today's reality. 

But what if we could see deeper, closer into another's reality? 

A place once entrenched in blood and tears and sweat has become peaceful.

Tovarisch.

Through the battles, the sun began to rise above the blood moon, 

chasing away the shadows, encompassing my eyes with light.

If only my peace could be shared. 

The demons we once fought together no longer linger behind my eyes, 

only yours.

If the scars we bear could be outgrown, pushed away from memory,

would you still be so blankly staring into oblivion?  

The shores I walk hungrily envelope my footsteps,  but avoid yours altogether.

Dorogoy,  come back to me. 

No longer do we need to battle our ways through time, 

not when safety is our present, and our future. 

Hold my hand, and let me show you,

that this love is nothing to fear.

Tovarisch: Russian for 'comrade', used mostly in the USSR

Dorogoy: Russian for 'darling' 

For Future Reference

I've been pondering these words for a long while, 
And it seems that everyday that passes by I can't help but feel jilted but this lifetime. 
When we were young we had so much to hope for, back when the world was green and filled with possibility. 
But now as I trudge on I can't help but be cynical to this whole idea of living and dreaming as the norm would see fit. 
I miss the days when laughter was free and our hearts held no grudge, 
As we have grown jovial comradely is rare and our once pure hearts grew black with despair. 
I don't wish to live in the past but how can I live in a future of which I see no good? 
It's as if the days we used to laugh and giggle away take a century to pass, 
And the very glue which held us together is now the reason we are on opposite ends. 
If only words could bring us back together.

Tovarishch Moy Dorogoy

Behind the manifold of placid masks, 
I dance between pitiable and fiendish faces of my oppressors, 
their malice towards my being eradicates my self worth to that of a maggot. 
Treated as a malignly I am help captive by the siroc of my own emotions,
and I am acquiesced for that small hope in my heart that I too may be accepted. 
My apparition is countered by with repugnance for my individual, 
The environs of my mind contain such distaste for my own shadow give me no escape from myself. 
To interchange places with a god would be a dream, 
but one that will slip between the grasp of my clammy fingers. 
To be able to pass by the days of pain, knowing there is a brighter light upon the exit of this path, 
To go back to the exordium of my own insanity, 
to feel your lips pressed upon my forehead one last time, 
or the cool of the gun below my chin- these are my dearest adjurations.
Before the undulation of being "crazy", 
when the benevolence of man wasn't entirely against me. 
Tovarishch. 
My comrade. 
You chased away my abjectly painful moods, 
back when the marooned skiff upon the shore was our ship, 
and you, her captain. 
Where disquisitions of the sea were held over the puddle in the back yard, instead of tea, 
and tears were only shed when there was blood-loss rather than words, never for cataracts of manipulation. 
Now, I've shed enough tears to fill up the ocean, and enough blood for vampires. 
Bags under eyes like bruises, 
And the eyes that were once filled with childish play are now full of solemnity and as much salt as the Dead Sea.
I will always love you,
even if its from a distance, now.
But I hope this gun shows more love and appreciation than you, 
and in heaven the angels don't cry.  
Good-bye, tovarishch, 
I hope one day you'll be able to look past these scars.    

Posttraumatic Musings

Its not the flashbacks anymore that gets me.
Hell, not even the pain that drives me to the brink of extinction.
Its the helplessness.
The knowlege that the first time in your entire life you were vulnerable,
was all it took for him to slip beneath the surface.
In you.
Around you.
Pouring his malice and trickery into the depths of your pours,
past your defense,
and into the very core being of your soul.
The very thought of him sends warnings of danger down my spine.
Ignorance of those around me penetrates my chest,
brewing a deep seeded anxiety that consumes me whole.
I AM THE VERY BEING YOUR SOUL FEARS.
I AM THE VICTIM OF YOUR NIGHTMARES.
I. AM.

Cement-filled Lungs

It's sad how much my heart can bleed for you but you're too blind to notice.
Though the pain has lessened it never goes away.
To think of what we lost is like dying,
But to try and take back the past will kill me.
We've both moved on, but it hurts to think of what should have never happened, what should have taken place.
Being close to you makes my lungs harden, makimg it difficult to breathe,
but if this is what I have to endure to move past you, I will endure.
Finding someone who deserves my love brings back more memories of you,
though this time I wont make the same mistakes.
I'll learn what it is to truly love, and not just lust,
I'll stop hiding my pain, and face the music.

Love Since Past

My dearest love,

            Do you remember our first meeting? How my sarcasm battled your scrutiny? Or how my heartbeat intensified at the feeling of your warm, worn palm against my cool, sweaty one? Oh dearest, if only time travel were possible and I could take back the knowledge of what I know now, then. Do you hold that memory, that heartbreakingly beautiful moment of fiery stubbornness and sarcastic smiles as close to your heart as I do? Do you remember my twisted smile as you puked out all your “nerd knowledge” to my on a silver platter? Do you remember our goodbye? The feeling of your wizened palm tenderly tapping my forehead, whispering, “One day, you’ll understand.”? Do you know how stupid I felt? Not knowing what the hell you were talking about? If only I could read minds, because then I would’ve said “yes.”.

            “Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person and the subtle way they do these things and it hurts so much? So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.”  For days I’d stay up, talking to you; contact was necessary, and so wrong. Then I wished to be with you, and only you, not caring who I destroyed in the process. Oh darling, why didn’t you give me more time? Time to be with you, time to mourn you, time to love you; if you were so “in-love” with me, why didn’t you take me, claim me, make me yours? Do you remember our time with Joey? The goose bumps that decorated my sweat-layered skin? The hearty laugh that sprinted full force out from between your teeth, past your tongue and resounding off the grey gravestones? Do you remember how many packs we smoked in that two hour period? Or how many tears I shed? How about our first and last kiss, do you remember that? The way you held me so protectively in your arms? The way you ever-so-lovingly grabbed me by my shoulders and whispered “Don’t overexcite yourself.”? Do you recall the taste of my tongue gingerly touching yours? I do, and for almost a year now, this memory has eaten away at my stomach, and my heart.

            Darling, do you hold the same hate form me that I hold for myself? The terrible things I did to get back at you for breaking my spirit in thirds? Will you ever forgive me? Dearest, you were the full moon to my night sky, lighting my path, gently guiding me so what we both assumed was safety. I’m sorry I asked you to wait like I did. I’m sorry for betraying your trust. I’m sorry I didn’t leave him fast enough, I’m sorry I didn’t make room. I’m sorry for my lie, my deceit, my shame. And most of all, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when I should have been.

            Oh my love, do you remember the scent of cherry blossoms? Or the crisp, cool air that marked the beginning of spring? If we could go back in time, would you still hold me as carefully as you did then? Would you help me carry my scars? Would you let me carry yours? Each day that passes could be your last, would you let me help you carry that burden if things were different? If things were different…funny that. If things were different I’d be in your arms, stroking away the pain. Smoothing back your ruffled feathers, helping you learn to fly again. If things were different, then we wouldn’t have to carry this burden separately.

            “It breaks my heart, to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I’ll never have.” What I’ll never have…you once told me that, you know. In your own words, love, “I’m in love with something I can never have.”. If only, darling, you had taken me as your own, so that separately we wouldn’t have to carry black lungs, and broken hearts. As I close, dearest, please remember my voice, telling you that I am always here, waiting. Remember my touch, my love, and how I always want to ease your pain, even if the blackened lungs and ulcer ridden stomach I carry try to prevent me from doing so, please remember, darling, that I will always carry my love for you.

An almost-mother's lament

When brought to my attention,
I realize my sins had come back to bite me square in the ass.
Now, after reflecting upon my sins, do I see the complete consequences of my actions.
Ninty days have given me such clairity.
And such pain.
To have upon your conscious the ending of something that had barely even begun, really does a number to a person's strength and sobriety.
After all the time, it still reduces me to a sniveling mess .
Such sins hold power of our humanity ,
over MY humanity,
but instead of picking the poison of my greatest sin, I will learn to live without.
I will learn to live with my mistakes, instead of drowning in them.
Since I have learned to be strong, I can slowly accept my feelings.
The despair of losing you quickly followed by the loss of our most beautiful creation.
Two years have passed and my sorrow is still great.
So many "what if's" pass through my mind, but slowly, I will regain my footing.
Words fueled by hate have separated us,
but I will never forget what we almost had.

At the end of all things.

Today, I missed you a bit.
As I reflect upon MY humanity-
I realized that I am just that...human.
When I was younger, I was convinced we were something divine,
God- Like.
But now, upon inspection , I realize I am simply mortal,
Divinity does not brush my skin with it's loving caress of immortality.
We pretended we were gods, two spirits bound together by the love of eternity.
When in all actuality, we were two beings bound together for the love of a child.
Our child.
If I could just get you to listen, to see..
My heart began growing in my stomach, only to be lost..
If only you could understand that you became my heart,
walking outside of my body, in our unborn baby's stead.
They say a mothers love knows no bounds,
But what of the mothers that lose their little ones to their own bodies?
If you could just feel as I do,
for one moment.
To breathe in the feelings, the emotions, that I do,
would you understand?
We are not immortal.
We are living, breathing, volatile human beings who are in need of love
And I still love you, even after all this.

Glass House

This is all that's left of me, 
so take away the pieces till I have none left for myself. 
Today is the day of new skies, 
so come closer to me and help me capture the clouds with my bare hands,
for my skin has become so transparent that even 
the sun reflects my sorrows.....

Allow this piercing pain to hide beneath my pride, 
so that it does not reflect into my eyes, keep my monster at bay with your fantasies, 
so I do not wear out my cover so quickly, 
hold my heart closer to your eyes, 
and please look past the
pain in which I have endured so that I may enjoy your company once more....

Wipe away the past that clouds your filmy eyes, 
Lull me to sleep by your sweet lullabies, 
Keep the silver from my wrists so I do not cry red, 
Place your heart between me and the blade, 
Which will surely slice away my sanity, 
Which will surelyslit away this throat.....

Today is the day that I will bend my pride and hold back my tongue, 
I will kiss the floor beneath my toes, and lock away my lust, 
Bend my arm behind my back to hold away my sarcastic defense. 
If only you could see you as I do, if only you
could see the world through my eyes, 
maybe then you'd understand the memories that I wish that didn't leave traces.....

Like a glass doll in a glass house, 
and I'm not the one throwing rocks, 
worlds around me fall, 
and don't let me feel the joy on falling down just to spite me.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect, 
I'm sorry I'm not God, 
I'm sorry I can't give you the love you deserve, 
maybe next time I should just pull the trigger for you rather 
than trying to take away the gun.....

It's time to take a break and breathe,
but when the time comes 
I can't get you off my heart.

Eclipsed by a Butterfly

Oh little butterfly, 
what beautiful patterns you carry. 
Oh little butterfly, 
how entrancing is your dance. 
I am eclipsed by you. 

Stick a pin through my little bodice, 
For I have not deserved it, master. 
I will save the last beat of my wings just for you. 

My little butterfly, 
show me the true meaning of beauty. 
For my facade is barely enough to keep this ugly face hidden. 

I can not help you, my master, 
for my beauty is only skin deep. 
The patterns of my wings hide me from my enemies, 
but attract others like you. 

Goddess of the wing, 
I wish for your freedom. 
For I am only as good as the next rotting corpse. 
Let me gaze upon your beauty once more.

Being In-Love With Something I can Never Have

Even those with the weakest of stomachs can come together as one and be the strongest of men,
While the violence which the eyes do not perceive blankets the truth in which blind eyes hold none accountable for the trees that glimmered with green promises of hope are now reduced to ash in the name of a new world.
And the hole that resides in my chest grows deeper and wider than ever before.
Tomorrow will shower me with memories of the first time my eyes met yours, 
The first time I took in your smile, 
Your laughter. 
And the tears that I now cry are the raindrops which feed the earth's rivers and streams and oceans. 
The chasm in my chest will over throw all emotion and show me what I've now done, 
I don't think I'll be able to look at Pokémon the same way for quite some time, now.
How will I be able to replace the smell of Camel Crushes on your breath when I crave you so desperately?
I think Star Wars will be on that list of things I can't look at, as well. 
Now as I pathetically write my heart out to the world about my pained desires for you, 
How will I replace your scratchy beard and silver glinted eyes?
Even now, I don't think I could save your lost soul. 
If I kissed you, would you remember? 
If I loved you, would you forget?
Forget of how selfishly I treated you, 
And how hastily I threw you away?
Though in the end, that was you who drove me into such a 
Rage that I didn't think seeing red was possible anymore when all I could see was
Black as my charcoal eye lined eyes.
Will you still remember the once-in-a-lifetime electrifying kiss, 
That made my heart beat so intensely with love, 
The way that I remember it?
The breathy moan that escaped my lips as you silently whispered into my ear and heart
"Behave, don't over excite yourself", 
And the small sigh that I expelled as I escaped into the base of your neck?
Will I forever be forced to carry a memory, 
that for days made me shudder in pleasure, 
at just the thought of you brushing your tongue so gently against my lips, and slowly, 
reluctantly, 
retreated back between your own?
But now, as this heartbroken cry comes to a close, 
I'm guessing this is goodbye. 
And in your closing words, darling, 
"I don't want love, I want pain and despair."
If only you knew that I too carry your burden.

Cynicism

I've been pondering these words for a long while, 
And it seems that everyday that passes by I can't help but feel jilted but this lifetime. 
When we were young we had so much to hope for, back when the world was green and filled with possibility. 
But now as I trudge on I can't help but be cynical to this whole idea of living and dreaming as the norm would see fit. 
I miss the days when laughter was free and our hearts held no grudge, 
As we have grown jovial comradely is rare and our once pure hearts grew black with despair. 
I don't wish to live in the past but how can I live in a future of which I see no good? 
It's as if the days we used to laugh and giggle away take a century to pass, 
And the very glue which held us together is now the reason we are on opposite ends. 
If only words could bring us back together.

Frankenstein's Pride

There's so much I want to say,
And this time, I just don't know how to say it.
I miss you,
But I hate you.
I'm so ashamed.
But not of what I've done, 
but by what's been done to me.
Pride, it's a tricky thing. 
Instead of getting the help I so desperately need,
I'd rather just hide it all away. 
I wish that one day you could see past these scars, 
these mistakes, 
this shame.
I've made my fair share of mistakes,
there is no denying that. 
I've created a monster in you,
like Frankenstein created his Monster. 
There's no one to witness, but you and I.
For once in my life, I wish I had put the chemistry set down, 
stopped creating the perfect soldier,
and looked after the little girl within.
You once said I hurt him first,
yet,
you lied.
I know you did.
I want to stop playing this game in the worst way,
and just live our lives out, 
together. 
But it looks like you've made your choice,
and I, mine. 
I'm sorry, comrade, 
but I'm done trying to fix something that you insist isn't broken.

Transcontinental Memories

When I think of you,

I remember anguished cries,

deep into the night.

Everything's broken,

And nothing seems to work here,

inside my own head.

How can it be that,

the two of us so in-love,

Can inflict such pain?

Barely can I sleep,

when the Moon is in the sky,

dreams of you haunt me.

Please come back to me,

And help share these memories,

of what we once were.